Well folks, it’s been a while since I wrote on this blog and I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve almost given up. I wonder if my words are reaching anyone or if anyone even really cares anymore what I have to say. I look at my analytics and I see you all looking at my depression posts, my baby shower printables, and occasionally my weight loss surgery posts, but I just don’t feel worthy or consistent enough to really call myself a blogger anymore. I’m working on Overcoming Fear in many aspects of my life right now so I thought I would just put it out there for you all to see (and possibly relate) to what I’m going through.
For the past 16 months (since 12/30/15 – weight loss surgery) I have been focused on losing weight, exercising, and trying to learn to eat right. I’ve lost 120 lbs, I exercise every day, and I’m still working on the eating right portion of this journey. However, I feel like I’m a little stuck at this point. I’ve hit a lot of milestones along the way and I’ve celebrated most of them with you all on the blog. My most recent NSV (non-scale victory) was buying and wearing a size 16 in jeans. I felt great when I put those jeans on and they actually fit! But soon after I began to doubt myself again. I’ve stalled out a little on my weight loss and I know it’s due to the way I eat. Let me explain…
For the most part, during the week, I am eating the way I should be. I have a protein shake before my workout and another after my workout. I eat a small snack (lunchable with 12-14 gram of protein) at 10am and a small, but protein-packed lunch at 12pm. Usually at 2pm and 4pm, I try to find another small snack of cheese or another lunchable, and then I have dinner around 6pm that is fully packed with protein. But, then the weekend comes around and the boys want pizza or something just as “bad” and I feel like I’m at their mercy because I don’t have anything prepared (I don’t cook, remember I’m married to a chef) and, to be honest, I enjoy the pizza or burger or whatever they have suggested. And…lately…the candy…I don’t even know if I can talk about the candy. I’m ready for Easter candy to disappear!
Why am I eating/sabotaging myself this way? Am I afraid to continue to lose weight? Am I afraid to be healthy? Am I afraid to put my foot down and demand that I feed my body healthy foods? Or am I just lazy and give in too easily?
These are my fears and my self doubt creeping in and taking over my thoughts.
My workout partner would say that Fear is a sin and that God doesn’t intend for us to be fearful. She would tell me to pray for these thoughts and this self sabotage to be taken from me. I know this and yet I haven’t prayed for this for myself. Am I fearful that He will take it from me and all the “joy” will be gone from my life? Am I really “joyful” when I eat these things? NO!
What really makes me joyful is having NSVs, scale victories, new clothes that fit properly, a healthy feeling inside, more time with my family, laughter, and I could go on. Food does not make me joyful. To be honest, that junk food makes me feel like absolute crap about 5 minutes after I eat it!
I’m fighting an addiction to food and admitting that is the first step!
Are you Overcoming Fear today? What are you doing to take your first step?