It’s been a while since I wrote about my depression and I think I know why. I’ve been feeling better a lot in the past weeks and it’s difficult to write about depression when you’re not necessarily depressed. You feel good and you don’t want to remember the down days. You are rockin’ and rollin’ and life is hunky dory for a change. Why would you want to revisit those days when you didn’t want to get out of bed, when the anger has subsided, and when the smiles come easily? But, today I’m not going to talk about just the good days because I’m experiencing the ebb and flow of depression and I’m having a down day…or down week, I guess.
This week, Howard had a doctor’s appointment for a knee injury and one of the things that irrationally annoy me is waiting at the doctor’s office. We arrived 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork and after the time of our appointment passed, we were told that we would have to wait another 45 minutes to see the doctor. I was working on my phone for most of the time so it was not as big of a deal until we got back to the room where we would see the doctor. I put my phone away and just stared at the walls. Howard made a remark that I didn’t have to look annoyed at all times about everything and then I realized it.
I’m in a depression again.
I don’t think it’s bad enough that I need to see my doctor about changing medication, but it’s definitely bad enough that I’m not sleeping well, tired all the time, in tears for almost everything, and the anger (oh, the anger…) is back. I could probably list a few reasons for the depression being back, but I’m not here to count my woes and tell you about how horrible my life is behind the scenes. I just wanted to talk about how I’m feeling right now, in the moment, while it’s still fresh on my mind.
During my “happy moments” I am able to do laundry and clean house. I play with my child. I laugh with my family. I get work done quickly and happily. During my “down moments” I want to sleep. I don’t want to be at work. I get angry at the smallest things. I wonder sometimes if I’m not eating right or not sleeping enough. Maybe I’m just down because of the weather (rain) or maybe this is just a natural ebb and flow of depression.
In any case, this is where I am. I’m down and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I do not feel helpless or hopeless, but I do feel tired and lazy and just plain blah.