Have you ever been anxiety ridden? So consumed with anxiety that it ruins your day? I’m not talking about an anxiety attack (that would almost be welcomed at this point because it would put an end to this feeling), but I’m just talking about generalized anxiety that is so subtle and constant that it just wears you out to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.
That’s what’s going on with me right now.
Let me start by saying life is really good right now. My boy has been behaving really well. My husband has been helping around the house. I have received several new campaign assignments so work is really busy. We are (somewhat) financially okay (more on that in just a bit). We are happy and we are all healthy. So, what in the world do I have to be anxious about?
You all know that I work in the child protection field, right? I don’t talk about it much, for obvious reasons (privacy), but some of my anxiety is coming from my work. You see, anytime a child dies in my area, I am notified and I have to set up meetings and phone calls and we all talk about the situation and so on. This sounds hard enough, but I have been doing this for a few years and I’ve found a way to detach from a lot of it. I don’t detach so much that I can’t be professional about it, but just enough so that I’m not constantly crying over the situations.
Lately, though, the children I’ve heard about are closer in age to my boy. The incidents that are happening are hitting closer to home (metaphorically, not physically close to my home). Couple this with my boy becoming more and more independent every day and my anxiety is through the roof! These incidents that I’m hearing about are mostly accidental and that is always just a little harder than an injury that is inflicted. Sounds odd, but with an injury that is inflicted by another person, you have that person to blame. With an accident, you have no person or no thing to blame. I am just left with the feeling of “that could have been my child”.
Most of this anxiety culminated for me at the carnival this past Friday. The boy and I always ride the Ferris Wheel together and we have a great time. This year, he was much more interested in looking down and around than usual and a few times even leaned on the doors that swing open for us to get out of the car! OMG, I was terrified and thought I was going to throw up! I have never, ever felt that way on a carnival or amusement park ride. Of course he thought it was funny and he was never really in any danger, but I’m pretty sure that was my last carnival ride…ever.
Weight Loss Anxiety
Every Thursday evening, my family takes a trip over to Tyler, TX to weigh in and see how we did for the week. I’ve been a yo-yo mess lately, going up and down in my weight. Every Friday, I post on this blog about my weight loss or gain and I try to make myself feel better. I am using you all for accountability. You know that, I know that, but this week, it is getting to me. I’m anxious about it because I know that I have been soothing my anxiety by stress eating. There is no way that I am going to lose weight this week and I’m already anticipating a gain and having to tell you all about it. In my head I know you all will be supportive, but in my anxiety center, I am dreading it. I also tend to chastise myself for not eating on the plan and then spending the gas money and visit money at the center, only to not lose weight once again.
I haven’t even told you all this story yet because I want it to be its own post, but our pug, Abby, had a little accident last Thursday while we were in Tyler. When we arrived home, we noticed that her eye had popped out of socket (proptosis). I had to rush her to the nearest after hours vet to get it put back in place and a stitch put in to keep it closed to heal. She has been in a cone for almost a week now and it’s driving her crazy. She’s finally back to normal in personality and she’s driving me insane! She’s on and under my feet at every step and yip-yapping at me non-stop. Sometimes this is normal for her, but this time it’s a little excessive. I worry that something is wrong or that she’s in pain or needs something that she can’t get to and she can’t figure out how to tell me. We are taking her back to the vet on Thursday morning to check her eye and I’m hoping things look good for her. Until then, I feel like one of my babies is in pain and I just can’t help her!
General Anxiety and Tearfulness
Of course, I’m having all the normal anxiety like money (We had to use our rent money on the vet bill and even though our landlord is working with us, I still worry that we will have a hard time catching up) and family and health (I’ve had a nagging crampy feeling in my stomach for two days now) and work (both blogging work and day job work) and anything else I could possibly worry about every day. I’m tearful and tense. I can’t seem to vocalize to Howard what is wrong and then he tends to think that he is doing something wrong when it is definitely not him or our boy or anything really. It’s just anxiety and it’s just a little out of control at the moment.