I’m whiny and frustrated #ThisIsMe

this is me {after tball game}

This past weekend, I attended a blogging conference with 300+ of my closest friends. Ha! No, really, this was an amazing conference and it felt like I knew so many people from talking to them and being a part of this community for over a year.

SoFabCon was the first blogging conference by Collective Bias for their community, Social Fabric. As enlightening as Blissdom was for me and the direction for my blog, this conference was for my self, my ME…and how I think about myself as a person, how I portray my life to others, and how I portray myself (and my family) on this blog.

I’m going all out of order today by starting with the closing keynote, given (on last minute notice) by Jasmine Banks from Just Jasmine. She talked about her past and the shame she had about it and how she has come around to be just as she is… She issued a challenge to us all to write about ourselves in an authentic and genuine way and just be proud that #ThisIsMe.

I don’t think that I am overly positive about my life here and I try to stay as true as I can to you all. I’ve written about how I feel like I fail as a mother and a wife regularly, but I’m sure that you don’t know the “real” me completely yet. I’m going to fix that. I’m going to be writing about my life in the coming weeks and tell you my story. I’ll fill in the blanks of my family story and I can promise from now on that my life will not be “stylized” as Jasmine would say.

What you see is what you get with us – be afraid, be very afraid (I mean, there’s a reason I named this blog the way I did…)

This Is Me

I am an adult child of alcoholics. My relationship with my mom was completely strained when she passed away (due to alcoholism). My relationship with my dad was never strained and he’s been sober since 1995, so things are good, but not as I wish they could be. I’ve learned a lot about adult children of alcoholics and although I am my own adult, I do know that my path is different because of my past.

I was sexually abused when I was a child. I don’t know how old I was or how old he was or if anyone really knew. I haven’t ever told my parents and I think I’ve told my older sister, maybe. I have issues from it, but I just gloss over them because I don’t feel like there is anything I can do about it now. What’s the point?

I am painfully shy and that stems from my insecurity with who I am. I am socially awkward and I don’t know how to have a normal “get to know ya” or “shoot the breeze” conversation. Here’s an example: I met Mel from MamaBzz at Blissdom and again at SoFabCon. I work with her through Social Fabric. I read her blog and I KNOW that we have a lot in common. During Blissdom, I learned (through Twitter) that we are alike in how we view our friendships. Do you think that I struck up a conversation during SoFabCon with her? Nope! In fact, I was sitting at a table with her and Kim from Crafty Mama of 4 and when someone asked me to come to their table (someone I was more “comfortable” with because I had been talking to throughout the weekend) I got up! Seriously, who freaking does that? Me! Ugh!

Here’s another example and this one makes me ill.

I have gotten to know several people with Social Fabric who have become really close friends. I have cried to them and they have comforted me, supported me, encouraged me in so many ways. I tell these girls about my frustrations in life, when my boy won’t poop or when my husband is being a “man”. These friends were at SoFabCon and they were having a blast. They said “hi” to me, but they didn’t ask me to come hang with them. They didn’t hold my shy little hand and make me go around with them to socialize with the Collective Bias employees that I should have been meeting and getting to know better. So, what did I do? I didn’t approach them…much. I mean, I wasn’t rude (at least I hope not) but I would go up to them from time to time and then go on to something else.

Why is this socialization thing so difficult for me?

I am chronically depressed. I take a lot of antidepressant medication, but I am always sad, angry, depressed about something. I cry when I’m tired. I’m tired often.

I have a low frustration tolerance and I am never really happy. When I’m frustrated with my husband, I want to leave. I’m frustrated often, and usually for unreasonable reasons. I don’t know how to fight – or disagree – with my husband in a way that we can communicate and move past things. I either hold it in and say “nothing” when he asks what’s wrong or I blow up and huff and puff over everything. You know, like when he lays crooked in the bed on his day off and the sheet comes off my corner of the bed.

Yeah…I think some people call that a “nagging wife”.

I don’t know anything about discipline or routine with my boy. This leads to a lot of confusion on his part and frustration on my part. When I’m frustrated with my son, I yell and threaten. Sometimes when I’m tired, I get overly frustrated with my boy. I’m tired all the time.

I would rather be a full time blogger, but when I sit down to write, I end up on social media or reading other’s blogs for hours at a time.

I procrastinate everything and often am late on deadlines. When I’m running late, I get frustrated at my husband for not watching our boy while I work.

This post is over 1000 words and I’ve only barely scratched the surface. Wow… so, my question to you is this…

How do you define you?

(and I would love some advice on this whole shyness thing, seriously!)

Comments

  1. Oh, Janet…I’m so happy you found my blog and commented so that it helped me find you. What a courageous, honest, wonderfully genuine post. I would so much rather read about the real people behind the blogs than read some of the bigger blogs out there that are trying to be the next “big” thing. I have become more and more introverted as I get older. At least you went to a conference. I am still afraid to.
    AnnMarie recently posted..Meds or No Meds?My Profile

    • Thank you AnnMarie – I have been to two conferences now and learned from both of them, but I have been introverted, shy, and depressed almost all of my life. I just have an outlet now where people are interested in reading it and make me feel more “normal” < –whatever THAT is! ;)

  2. Janet,
    I can’t help with the shyness thing, I was not afflicted with it… ;-) I think you are pretty amazing for sharing all of this! We all fail in areas we wish we could excel at, but that is what life is about…getting better at things each day!

    • Thanks, Sarea, oddly I feel less shy after posting it. It’s almost like posting it makes sure people know so if I approach them and stumble over my words because I’m petrified, then they will just understand. I say…let’s just do SoFabCon again next month and I’ll be all better! :)

  3. Oh Janet…promise me you will come up to me next time and I will hold you shy little hand all weekend. I am not shy in the least, but I do know how to listen and I care…I REALLY care.

  4. I wish I had some save words of advice but all I can do is lend a cyber shoulder! I went to SoFabCon feeling like I didn’t belong at all, despite it being in my own backyard. I had hoped to get to know more bloggers and we all got so busy I think that we were focused on what we were learning.

    That said, thank you for your courage in sharing this and know that this community cares!
    Jamie recently posted..#thisisme … the search for balanced authenticityMy Profile

    • It was really nice meeting you in person and I’m excited to see more on your blog. I was encouraged after our talk that you were going to open up even more on your blog!

  5. Depression can impact us in so many ways… one way it can hinder us is to make us feel more socially insecure. I think you are kind and approachable, keep trying to reach out.
    Jasmine recently posted..Giveaway: The Price Is Right Live Stage Show at the Walton Arts CenterMy Profile

    • Thanks, Jasmine, I think this is a wonderful gift you have given us all by challenging us to get out there more on our blogs and in person. You are a GEM!

  6. Loved meeting you in person at the conference and I knew that you are YOU the minute you walked into the reception hall on Thursday. And you did look a bit shy, so I went to you and introduced myself, because I get supershy in places I don’t know. Loved seeing you and This is an amazing thing Jasmine did
    Lena recently posted..Weight loss: Plan to SucceedMy Profile

  7. This is such a brave and heart tugging post. I am very shy myself and it has hurt me in the past, and is causing me some issues right now. But at least you went to the SF conference, and I didn’t. I guess that tiny, baby steps are the way to gain more ease in social situations and fell better about ourselves. Thank you so much for writing this post.

    • Patricia, thank you for coming by to read and comment. I think that shyness and social awkwardness are probably traits that many bloggers have and we need to all find a way to connect with each other. We need some type of code word or secret handshake so we can “break the ice” during events like this!

  8. I’m so glad that I got to meet you at the conference! Stick around me for a while and I’ll break you of your shyness! :)
    Kristy recently posted..Black Beans & Rice Tacos with McCormickMy Profile

    • Kristy, you and Brandi were my saving graces during the conference and I loved meeting you and getting to know you more. You two, as well as Vanessa and Rachel were the table I left Mel and Kim’s table for and although I’m kicking myself for missing that chance to connect with them, I’m so glad I was able to connect more with you all!

  9. lisa lo says:

    We got a lot in common!

  10. You are brave and you are strong and you are amazing.
    Amy recently posted..And Then There Was The Time I Didn’t Know My Computer Was Infected…My Profile

  11. Aunt Linda says:

    The most difficult thing in life is to reveal ourselves to others in a true and honest way…whether it is in a private journal, on a blog, at a conference, at the holiday dinner table, or even in our own homes. The human condition is to want to be loved and accepted and many of us feel unworthy of that. Too bad, because we are all lovable and deserving. But embracing love and acceptance is an inside job. When we start to get true to ourselves, we are able to project our genuineness to others. That is attractive and will draw people to us as is evidenced by your responses to this post. We all like the real deal in our relationships. Put that out and that is what you will get back. Seems to me you have begun the journey.

    • I think that I don’t have as many issues with revealing the genuine me online as I do in person, but I am always concerned about being liked and “good enough” and THAT is definitely an inside job!

  12. After reading my post, you know I’m the one that would have gone to a table I was more comfortable with instead of putting myself out there. I wish we could have hung out more at SoFabCon too and it’s funny because Melissa and I were talking on the car ride home how we need to do a Texas bloggers meet up. Texas bloggers unite!
    Kelly @ Texas Type A Mom recently posted..Socially Awkward, Shy, Introverted, but Genuine #ThisIsMeMy Profile

    • Kelly, I agree that we need a Texas meet-up! I have this dream of having a blogger’s retreat, similar to a scrapbooking retreat…I have tried the blogathon, but in person!

  13. You’ll always have a friend in me!
    Lisa Weidknecht recently posted..Wedne$day Wealth Giveaway Link UpMy Profile

  14. Oh Janet, I’m like you in so many ways!!!! Behind this computer screen I’m not shy at all! My readers think of me as this outgoing super Italian personality with some amazing traditional Italian dishes…in real life, I’m constantly sulking about something. I’m bipolar, and most days I’m ok, but then the switch goes off, and I’m bonkers. I’m depressed over my infertility and pcos issues and I want to scream at everyone who’s pregnant! Who does that? Oh me: Miss Infertile Pants!! It’s hard and it sucks being shy. Honestly once I get to know you better and I’ve met someone at least once I’m good to go and my blog personality comes out. People dig her, or so I’m told. Quite frankly, I dig you too!
    Maria Briggs recently posted..An Ode To The Mother In WaitingMy Profile

    • Maria, you and I are have a lot to talk about. I’m dealing with infertility issues right now as well. At least you are DOING something about it! Let’s just keep talking and posting and keeping it real for each other and we’ll meet someday!

  15. howard krugel says:

    Sorry you are frustrated baby, you know you can tell me anything you are feeling or is bothering you and i will not get mad or judge. i love you more than anythimg on this planet or any other and just want to make you happy! as far as the asshole who abused you i just point him out and we can go through some “physical” therapy!

  16. You would not believe all that we have in common!! Next time I see you I am going to force my hugs on you like I do Staci ;) I look forward to reading more about the “real” you!!
    Melissa Rheinlander recently posted..My Fave Pics from 80′s Night at #SoFabCon #WW Linky {5/8}My Profile

    • Melissa, it’s killing me that I didn’t just loosen up while I was there. You are another person I met at Blissdom and should have been comfortable with, but when I saw you at SFC I clammed up again. Forced hugs are a good thing. I tell one of my best friends (for 10+ years now) that she and I would have never been friends if she hadn’t strong-armed me into talking to her. She would follow me to the classes in college that we had together and sit next to me and talk during the whole class. I hated it…until one day I turned and finally started talking to her. She told me that she nearly went into shock that day and we have been best friends since then.

  17. Beth Zimmerman (@BethZimmerman) says:

    I have no real advice on the shyness thing because I wage the same war! I was so nervous walking into that cocktail party that I literally thought I might faint. (I’m prone to panic attacks and have blacked out in crowds before.) Then Sandy grabbed hold of me and started introducing me to people and all I could think was that I would NEVER remember all these names and I was going to make a complete fool of myself!

    I went into SoFabCon knowing nobody, except from interactions in the Facebook group, and yet felt like a lot of people knew me. It was a weird sensation … having Sandy, Jasmine, Brandi, etc. know who I was and call me by name all weekend long.

    At meals I mostly sat by myself and hoped someone would join me. They always did and I’m glad because plopping myself down at a table full of strangers just wasn’t going to happen!
    Beth Zimmerman (@BethZimmerman) recently posted..Are You Wondering How You Got Here?My Profile

    • Beth, I was excited to see you and meet you and I think it is because we all were hoping you would win that ticket to SFC. We could sense in your posts in the group that you wanted and needed to be there! I didn’t think about it until you pointed out that you didn’t know us as well as we felt we knew you. I’m reading through all of these posts that people are writing and realizing that none of really KNEW what we were walking into. Some of us are just better at jumping in with both feet than others. I’m still testing my toe and the moment is over…story of my life. ;)

  18. GIRL! I feel ya on so many of these things. However, I shall point out that you were the brave one who actually WENT to SoFabCon, while I stayed at home and was jealous the whole time. So, that’s a brave first step and you rocked it. I think you’re on the right path, especially laying it all out here on the blog. Another huge, big, bold, brave step. You have tons of fans who want to see the real you. Keep it coming, I think we can handle it. ;)
    Gena recently posted..Baltic Amber from Spark of Amber Calms and HealsMy Profile

    • Thanks, Gena, you are an amazing and encouraging friend. I was a little more social at this one than I was at Blissdom so maybe next time will be even better! It’s funny that you mention the fans who want to see the real me because as soon as this post went out in my email today…I got two unsubscription notices. Oh well, good riddance…right?!

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge