This past weekend, I attended a blogging conference with 300+ of my closest friends. Ha! No, really, this was an amazing conference and it felt like I knew so many people from talking to them and being a part of this community for over a year.
SoFabCon was the first blogging conference by Collective Bias for their community, Social Fabric. As enlightening as Blissdom was for me and the direction for my blog, this conference was for my self, my ME…and how I think about myself as a person, how I portray my life to others, and how I portray myself (and my family) on this blog.
I’m going all out of order today by starting with the closing keynote, given (on last minute notice) by Jasmine Banks from Just Jasmine. She talked about her past and the shame she had about it and how she has come around to be just as she is… She issued a challenge to us all to write about ourselves in an authentic and genuine way and just be proud that #ThisIsMe.
I don’t think that I am overly positive about my life here and I try to stay as true as I can to you all. I’ve written about how I feel like I fail as a mother and a wife regularly, but I’m sure that you don’t know the “real” me completely yet. I’m going to fix that. I’m going to be writing about my life in the coming weeks and tell you my story. I’ll fill in the blanks of my family story and I can promise from now on that my life will not be “stylized” as Jasmine would say.
What you see is what you get with us – be afraid, be very afraid (I mean, there’s a reason I named this blog the way I did…)
This Is Me
I am an adult child of alcoholics. My relationship with my mom was completely strained when she passed away (due to alcoholism). My relationship with my dad was never strained and he’s been sober since 1995, so things are good, but not as I wish they could be. I’ve learned a lot about adult children of alcoholics and although I am my own adult, I do know that my path is different because of my past.
I was sexually abused when I was a child. I don’t know how old I was or how old he was or if anyone really knew. I haven’t ever told my parents and I think I’ve told my older sister, maybe. I have issues from it, but I just gloss over them because I don’t feel like there is anything I can do about it now. What’s the point?
I am painfully shy and that stems from my insecurity with who I am. I am socially awkward and I don’t know how to have a normal “get to know ya” or “shoot the breeze” conversation. Here’s an example: I met Mel from MamaBzz at Blissdom and again at SoFabCon. I work with her through Social Fabric. I read her blog and I KNOW that we have a lot in common. During Blissdom, I learned (through Twitter) that we are alike in how we view our friendships. Do you think that I struck up a conversation during SoFabCon with her? Nope! In fact, I was sitting at a table with her and Kim from Crafty Mama of 4 and when someone asked me to come to their table (someone I was more “comfortable” with because I had been talking to throughout the weekend) I got up! Seriously, who freaking does that? Me! Ugh!
Here’s another example and this one makes me ill.
I have gotten to know several people with Social Fabric who have become really close friends. I have cried to them and they have comforted me, supported me, encouraged me in so many ways. I tell these girls about my frustrations in life, when my boy won’t poop or when my husband is being a “man”. These friends were at SoFabCon and they were having a blast. They said “hi” to me, but they didn’t ask me to come hang with them. They didn’t hold my shy little hand and make me go around with them to socialize with the Collective Bias employees that I should have been meeting and getting to know better. So, what did I do? I didn’t approach them…much. I mean, I wasn’t rude (at least I hope not) but I would go up to them from time to time and then go on to something else.
Why is this socialization thing so difficult for me?
I am chronically depressed. I take a lot of antidepressant medication, but I am always sad, angry, depressed about something. I cry when I’m tired. I’m tired often.
I have a low frustration tolerance and I am never really happy. When I’m frustrated with my husband, I want to leave. I’m frustrated often, and usually for unreasonable reasons. I don’t know how to fight – or disagree – with my husband in a way that we can communicate and move past things. I either hold it in and say “nothing” when he asks what’s wrong or I blow up and huff and puff over everything. You know, like when he lays crooked in the bed on his day off and the sheet comes off my corner of the bed.
Yeah…I think some people call that a “nagging wife”.
I don’t know anything about discipline or routine with my boy. This leads to a lot of confusion on his part and frustration on my part. When I’m frustrated with my son, I yell and threaten. Sometimes when I’m tired, I get overly frustrated with my boy. I’m tired all the time.
I would rather be a full time blogger, but when I sit down to write, I end up on social media or reading other’s blogs for hours at a time.
I procrastinate everything and often am late on deadlines. When I’m running late, I get frustrated at my husband for not watching our boy while I work.
This post is over 1000 words and I’ve only barely scratched the surface. Wow… so, my question to you is this…
How do you define you?
(and I would love some advice on this whole shyness thing, seriously!)