Yesterday, I read a post from a new bloggy friend, Heather at Bluebonnets and Breakdowns, about her struggle with depression and learning about a dear friend whose husband had committed suicide. She talks about her own thoughts of suicide and how others did not know she was struggling.It brought back memories of my own struggle with depression and my recent (current) overwhelming feelings of depression.
I have been pushing aside the thoughts lately trying to convince myself that I was just tired, or put on weight, or not taking care of myself, or the 100 degree heat, or whatever… Hubby even mentioned that I might be pregnant and my body is just adjusting, making me tired and lethargic. I have severe allergies (plus dust and dogs in the house) so I have to take allergy medicine daily (or 3 times daily) and this makes me sleepy. But, I should really just face it head on and admit…
I AM DEPRESSED!!!
When I look back on my life, I have probably been depressed most of my life. It’s a state of mind and a lack of interest in daily life. I didn’t have lots of friends or participate in activities because I just wasn’t interested. I was the type of child who would have one or two really close friends and didn’t need anything more, but I also didn’t have an interest in anything that children my age typically would get involved. I had a great family growing up (despite my parents alcoholism – a story for another time) and we were close. It was a huge shock when my mom decided (in my senior year of high school) to leave my dad and they divorced.
I headed straight for college (at my dad’s insistence) and spiraled down to the event in my early twenties that lead me to cry out and make a superficial attempt (outcry!!) at harming myself. I knew in my head that I was not trying to kill myself, but in my heart I wanted to hurt myself enough that people would pay attention and tell me what I needed to do to make these feelings go away.
Fast forward to now – I have given in to the idea that I must take antidepressants (really high dose) every day and pay attention to my feelings. I should probably be in counseling, but my last attempt at trying to find a counselor in my small town was a bad experience (besides the nagging thoughts of money and time and how I have neither). Individuals planning to become a counselor may find more job prospects in the future as the number of people seeking help and treatment is constantly increasing. I know that I am depressed right now and I’m trying my hardest to pull myself out (blogging has helped tremendously – and I’m finding some great support with all the new bloggy friends).
I do need to practice better self care and get healthier physically, and I’m working on it. I am definitely not at the point of wanting to harm myself, but I feel like a real break from reality and the demands of my everyday life sounds very tempting.
Now that I have all of this out, I feel like I just threw myself the biggest pity party and feel guilty for putting it all out there. I have a wonderful husband and the happiest, most loving son and the most supportive family and a great job and the best church family and some really great new bloggy support friends and THE MOST AWESOME GOD who will get me through this with his AWESOME LOVE!!
If you made it this far, thank you for “listening” and God Bless You…