the struggle with depression

My Depression Story: How I made the smiles, laughter, and music return

Yesterday, I read a post from a new bloggy friend, Heather at Bluebonnets and Breakdowns, about her struggle with depression and learning about a dear friend whose husband had committed suicide. She talks about her own thoughts of suicide and how others did not know she was struggling.It brought back memories of my own struggle with depression and my recent (current) overwhelming feelings of depression.

I have been pushing aside the thoughts lately trying to convince myself that I was just tired, or put on weight, or not taking care of myself, or the 100 degree heat, or whatever… Hubby even mentioned that I might be pregnant and my body is just adjusting, making me tired and lethargic. I have severe allergies (plus dust and dogs in the house) so I have to take allergy medicine daily (or 3 times daily) and this makes me sleepy. But, I should really just face it head on and admit…

I AM DEPRESSED!!!

When I look back on my life, I have probably been depressed most of my life. It’s a state of mind and a lack of interest in daily life. I didn’t have lots of friends or participate in activities because I just wasn’t interested. I was the type of child who would have one or two really close friends and didn’t need anything more, but I also didn’t have an interest in anything that children my age typically would get involved. I had a great family growing up (despite my parents alcoholism – a story for another time) and we were close. It was a huge shock when my mom decided (in my senior year of high school) to leave my dad and they divorced.

I headed straight for college (at my dad’s insistence) and spiraled down to the event in my early twenties that lead me to cry out and make a superficial attempt (outcry!!) at harming myself. I knew in my head that I was not trying to kill myself, but in my heart I wanted to hurt myself enough that people would pay attention and tell me what I needed to do to make these feelings go away.

Fast forward to now – I have given in to the idea that I must take antidepressants (really high dose) every day and pay attention to my feelings. I should probably be in counseling, but my last attempt at trying to find a counselor in my small town was a bad experience (besides the nagging thoughts of money and time and how I have neither). Individuals planning to become a counselor may find more job prospects in the future as the number of people seeking help and treatment is constantly increasing. I know that I am depressed right now and I’m trying my hardest to pull myself out (blogging has helped tremendously – and I’m finding some great support with all the new bloggy friends).

I do need to practice better self care and get healthier physically, and I’m working on it. I am definitely not at the point of wanting to harm myself, but I feel like a real break from reality and the demands of my everyday life sounds very tempting.

Now that I have all of this out, I feel like I just threw myself the biggest pity party and feel guilty for putting it all out there. I have a wonderful husband and the happiest, most loving son and the most supportive family and a great job and the best church family and some really great new bloggy support friends and THE MOST AWESOME GOD who will get me through this with his AWESOME LOVE!!

If you made it this far, thank you for “listening” and God Bless You…

I know He has Blessed me!!!

Comments

  1. Kristin W says:

    I have battled with depression for years now. It pretty much come and goes.

    I have had a horrible battle with anxiety that I still have not over come. At one point I pretty much had that ‘cinematic’ anxiety where I would hardly leave the house. I was absolutely terrified. This of course stemmed from many issues prior to it in my life. That part has gotten better. Still not over it, but progress is progress.

    Always here for you!
    Kristin W recently posted..I love you!My Profile

    • janet says:

      K – I am so happy that we became bloggy buddies so early on in this journey!! I struggle with anxiety as well and it comes out in shyness and introverted personality. Having an online community probably doesn’t really help that too much (haha :)) but it is nice to have such great support!! {{HUGS!!}}

      • Kristin W says:

        It is nice to have support! I love having you as my blogging buddy. I was thinking of making an actual blog about crafts and my life. Maybe you could e-mail and help me out! 🙂
        Kristin W recently posted..Cheer GiveawayMy Profile

        • janet says:

          I’m actually thinking about splitting this blog up and putting the Safety stuff on another blog!! This one has become more personal, giveaway, support newbies, review…and the other should be strictly safety…what do YOU think???!!!

  2. Shanda says:

    I am so sorry for your life of depression. I have only suffered from depression a couple times and it was not long lived and I cannot imagine living life like that. I pray as I write that God will send you activities, friends and support to help you get through this and move into a happier state of mind. And I pray especially for God’s presence and peace to fill you. And most of all, His JOY
    Shanda recently posted..Bumper Bag Weekends / Service ProjectsMy Profile

    • janet says:

      Thank you, Shanda!! Your weekly meme and the Grace Cafe from Joan are such blessings for me!! God Bless!!

  3. Joan says:

    Janet:

    I am sorry to learn of your struggles, but please know that you do not have to face this alone. You have a Heavenly Father who loves you unconditionally and as you said, your husband, son, and church family.

    I encourage you to find someone with whom you can talk. I don’t know about your church, but sometimes churches have licensed counselors on staff who can help. If not that, a trusted friend.

    There are many who suffer from depression (I have a good friend who has suffered from this most of her life.) With help, you can overcome.

    And we are here to pray for you!

    Blessings,
    Joan

    • janet says:

      Thank you, Joan!! I just replied to Shanda as well that Grace Cafe and On My Heart Tuesdays have been extremely helpful!!

  4. I’m sorry to hear about your current struggle. I was in your shoes a while ago and it did take a lot of work, time and effort to get myself out of it. Despite a lack of money, you should invest all the time you can into yourself and feeling better. Only then will you understand the best way to be happy.

    WM
    Working Mommy recently posted..{Wordless Wednesday – Lazy Kids}My Profile

    • janet says:

      Thank you…it is really helping to have a place to vent it out. My church family (all of my family, really) is really great. The encouraging comments I get here are extremely uplifting as well!!

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